Bill’s Pantiesberg Address

Hundreds of scores and many interns ago, our POTUS fought for the preservation of our scrotum rights. Thanks to this man, all men are now created equal and are entitled to at least one free grope! Like the old commercial from years ago, “Try it, you’ll like it”, sets all mankind free to explore the universe. To conquer, to score, to prevail…to win…And to lie in court and get away with it! I, my fellow male Americans, have opened doors, where no man could tread before me. I have brought with me a new way. A way that will forever grant my legacy in this great country. I have scaled the mountain top. I have crossed the seas. I have fought the good fight, and by God, with the liberal judges, the liberal press, and the liberal Senate, I have overcome. (Just ask Monica)

I stand before you today, compelling you to know that I did not have sex with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky. I had sex with several women, before and after Ms.Lewinsky. I solemnly believe it is my God-given right to score as I please. To carve another notch in my handle, for all the men in this great country of ours. You see, my fellow male Americans, life is too short to be encumbered by one female. As it is written, man cannot live by bread alone…he must have scores of interns. So much fuss has been made in regard to my male hormonal rage, but as the current POTUS, I am entitled to this right, to this privilege, to do as I do. After all, my faithful assistant, Sir Ally, has already stated that there is no controlling legal authority here. In short, hell, I take what I want! If you don’t believe me ask Hillary.

As my final term in office comes to a close,(so you suckers think) may I say thank you to all the little people that I climbed over and chunked by the wayside on my climb to the top. Thank you, Webb, Ron, Vince, Al, Marcia, Dee Dee, George, Trent, Bob, Tom, Dan, Peter, and all you fine people at the Clinton News Network, who have helped me and encouraged me by defending all the sleazy things that I have done, and for putting such a tremendous spin on this stuff. I could not have done it without you. And last but not least, thank you, Hillary, my darling. That Vast-Right-Wing-Conspiracy crap was a helluva an idea. Look at us today baby. It won’t be long that you will be in that mansion in New York and I’ll be back in Arkansas trolling through the trailer parks. Is America a great country or what?

As I close, I want to say to the American sheeple. You are a bunch of morons, because all the things that I’ve done, and y’all keep the polls alive with “It’s just about sex”, enables me to keep doing what I do best. Thank you all from the bottom of my scrotum! You are a bunch of swell people. And I mean that!

Sincerely,

The Slickster

As the camera fades, Bill unhooks his mike tosses a cigar to Monica, and says…”To us, honey.”